Category: My Life

And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make

On Saturday we gathered to say good-bye to Mom. Mom had it all planned out. Everything from the music, to the readings, to poems she wanted read, and who she wanted to read them. Yes, it was Mom’s show!

I was assigned to read A Parable For Mothers. I looked it over and felt I could get through it okay. But half way through, the sobs came and finally, finally I grieved for the mother I have lost.

A Parable For Mothers

The young mother set her foot on the path of Life. “Is the way long?” she asked. And her Guide said: “Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning.”

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed with them in the streams, and the sun shone on them, and life was good, and the young mother cried: “Nothing will ever be lovelier than this”.

Then night came, and storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle and the children said: “Oh, Mother, we are not afraid for you are near, and no harm can come.” And the mother said: “This is better than the brightest of days, for I have taught my children courage.”

And the morning came and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary, but at all times she said to the children: “A little patience and we are there.” So the children climbed, and when they reached the top, they said: “We could not have done it without you, Mother.” And the mother, when she lay down that night, looked up at the stars and said: “This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of difficulty. Yesterday I gave them courage, Today I have given them strength.”

And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth – clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said: “Look up! Lift your eyes to the light.” And the children looked and saw above the clouds an Everlasting Glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the mother said: “This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God.”

And the days went on, and the months and the years, and the mother grew old, and she was small and bent. But her children were strong and tall and walked with courage. And when the way was hard, they helped their mother; and when the way was rough they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And the mother said: “I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know that the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them.”

And the children said: “You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates.”

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: “We cannot see her, but she is with us. A mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence.”
— Temple Bailey —

I didn’t sleep well on Thursday night, so when I finally got up, showered, dressed and got in my car to drive to my sister’s home, I was already exhausted.

The ride actually wasn’t too bad though, as I was going along after rush hour. However, I woke right up as I drove along route 91 in Springfield, Massachusetts. First I had a policeman neck and neck with me, and then in front of us a pick up truck hit a bump and loose wood came flying out of the back of the truck bed!

For a split second I thought I was a goner! Fortunately the wood went into the policeman’s lane and as I looked in my rear-view mirror I could see he was just fine, had his lights on and was picking up the wood. It scared me to death!

But I lived to tell the story.

Later in the day, after we had picked up my two nephews at the Amtrack station, we were talking about how fickle life can be. People who have died in freak accidents don’t just get up one day expecting to die.

No, life it to enjoy and to live!

I’m amazed at how much my brother’s two sons remind me of him. Both of them. The tones in their voices and the looks in their eyes. We started comparing notes on allergies and stuff, and sure enough,they have some of the strange ones Mel, Janet and I do!

I think, if there is one gift Mom gave to Mel and me in her last months of life, was the gift of my brother’s sons, and how much family really means.

Thanks Mom!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My Grandmother Mary and My Aunt Betty.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Today. What can I say, I a weeper!

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Nope.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Roast beef sliced thinly.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yes.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I’d like to think so.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Unfortunately yes.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Nope!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
NEVER! Read my lips, NEVER!

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Honey Nut Cheerios.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No, unless I have to.

12. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
Children laughing as they play at the beach

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their eyes.

15. RED OR PINK?
Depends. Lately red

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My hips!

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Katie

18. FAVORITE PIECE OF JEWELRY?
Engagement ring. It was my grandmothers.

19. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I raise great dogs!

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Tennis

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Sky blue

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Lilacs, campfires, baking bread, bacon cooking, coffee

24. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles, by far!

25. FAVORITE FOODS?
Dark chocolate!

Imagine one morning you wake up and find you no longer look like yourself. Imagine you look into the mirror, and you see some sort of space creature looking back. One your husband likens to a Klingon! What would you think? How would you feel?

I was told it would heal, and that I would be as good as new in no time. In fact 6 weeks later when I had the flap revision on my face, as I drifted off to sleep, the bad previous surgeon said, “When you wake up, you will be pretty once again.”

Imagine my horror when I woke in recovery and asked for a mirror and saw this face staring back at me!

This was hardly what I expected and I found both the results and the discomfort I felt unacceptable. Especially when I was told that it didn’t hurt! Ah, excuse me?

I suppose I could have gone back to the original bad surgeon, but thank goodness I was encouraged to go to Boston where I met the good surgeon, who is slowly giving me a face I can live with.

After the first surgery I had with Dr. P. in July.

How often have we taken what our faces look like for granted? Oh yeah, I know that face in the mirror…Rough night last night…looking a little tired…Wow, my skin is completely clear, this never happens! lol!

My point is, it is your face, for good or bad. You know all your freckles or wrinkles or little marks that tell you, this is you.

So the last six months I have found myself with a real crisis of identity. That was until this past weekend, when my most recent surgery was unveiled when the steri-strips fell off.

It’s me again! I am back. I can look in the mirror in the morning and recognize the face I see!

The good doctor who did this, the gifted surgeon, is not just a talent, but his humanity is astounding.

Even if this is as good as it gets, I am happy. Most of all, I am grateful! I can see myself once again!

I am so lucky to have my cousin Janet. She is able to think of amazing things to do, and to pull me out of my sadness and get me going.

So it was this weekend.

She and her new Hubby, Dave came up and we had a wonderful cookout here with Janet’s brother Larry and his fiancee Cindy on Saturday. We had everything from stuffed eggs, to cheeseburgers to corn on the cob! Dessert was a chocolate wedding cake for the love birds!

We managed to get the cookout in before the skies opened and it poured! We watched two movies, “When Harry Met Sally” and “The Descendents”. Both really great movies.

Sunday morning we got up early and Janet, Dave and I headed north for the Lancaster, NH Fair. It’s an annual event and it is so well done, with farm animals and 4-H projects that the local kids have been working on all year.

We had decided not to over eat. So what we did was find the Fair Food we liked and then share it. It worked out perfectly. I love fried dough with butter and powdered sugar. Janet loves kettle corn, Dave loves ribs and fried scallops. All were available, and we split them three ways. Dessert was even better. A strawberry Sundae and Apple Crisp.

We went in every tent with every sort of animal. We saw goats and pigs,

and cows

and bulls. We saw miniature horses and draft horses that pull large loads. We saw horses with little friends,

and strangely beautiful ones too.

We also got there early enough to see the dressage competition.

Today was life affirming and meeting the local people and the local kids, reminded me that life does indeed go on. And that happiness is all around, if only one stops, takes the time and looks.

Hubby and I  got up at zero dark thirty and headed for Boston on Monday. At first all was well, and surprisingly, the traffic was moving right along and then, at the border of New Hampshire and Massachusetts, the traffic stopped dead!

My heart sank! Hubby was relentless and careful, but I was a nervous wreck! Do you know how crazy people drive early in the morning on their way to work!

A few exits in to Massachusetts things opened up a bit and we were sailing along. I breathed a sigh of relief, believing that we would make my appointment.

We took out turn off of Route 93 onto Storrow Drive and BAM! The traffic came to a complete stop!

Holy crap!

We began to plan what we would do if we reached the point of just making the appointment. I’d jump from the car, run to his office and Hubby would join me after parked the car.

But for some reason, we actually made it! Yay us! And then, the doctor was running late! I just had to laugh!

He took out the stitches, and he’s not sure yet if I will need more surgery or not. I’m still quite swollen and bruised. So, I go back in a month and I will find out then.

Meanwhile, here I am.

What do you think?

Today I’m down at the doctor getting out my stitches. Below is a picture of me taken on Sunday. Hubby and I think the nose is looking good, but the eyebrow is still a problem. It is very swollen and still not pointing correctly on my face. But…we will see what the good doctor has to say. It is such a relief to have such a good doctor now. I trust him implicitly.

My oven decided to stop working! The stove is 13 years old so certainly I have gotten my money’s worth out of it, but now I need to take a big chunk of my savings, and buy a new stove! We’re researching things as much as we can. I wish I could afford one of those super duper machines. But I don’t have $4000.00 lying around.

Instead I will buy an average priced machine and really, all I want is for it to be self cleaning! The rest of the stove magic, I hope to do myself.

Tonight’s dinner was terrible. I mean how do you cook things with only a toaster oven, microwave and a stove-top burner? All I can say is, that I hope by weeks end we have a new kitchen range

I’ve been thinking the last few days that I am sinking into depression. I have not been sweeping floors, dusting shelves or mopping. I’ve just been getting by.

It started when I was diagnosed with cancer back in February, and I don’t think I have been right since.

This morning I got up and thought about the disaster in my house. So, after breakfast I vacuumed everything, mopped the wood floors and dusted.

Then I took the 12 boxes of slides and returned them to the bookcase. It was actually painful to do that, but having them in the office only served to remind me of the passing of my mother.

I water the garden, which has mostly died. I wasn’t able to keep up with it, and I maybe had two summer squash and 5 zucchini. I did have plenty of beans and pickling cucumbers. But no eggplant. The tomatoes are still coming in. So, I am hopeful for more tomatoes to make sauce with.

So I’m working really hard to get back to feeling like myself, but I realized that I will never quite be that person.

I am lucky. I still have my sister. She will now be the person I share my childhood with.

Last March, when I had my first surgeries, I did okay without my glasses. I could see the TV, I could navigate around the house, heck, in a pich I could have driven the car. I think I did too!

However, with my latest surgery and the fact that cannot wear my glasses, I have noticed that I cannot see a darn thing!

Even bringing my font size up has not really helped. I find myself reaching for my glasses often, and even while I hold them in front of my eyes, I’m just not seeing too well.

I think after the recovery from this surgery is over, I will need a complete exam and new glasses. This should be good.

I’m thinking Harry Potter glasses, as I now have the Voldemort mark on my forehead. I could be Harry Potter’s older sister!