Category: My Life

Imagine one morning you wake up and find you no longer look like yourself. Imagine you look into the mirror, and you see some sort of space creature looking back. One your husband likens to a Klingon! What would you think? How would you feel?

I was told it would heal, and that I would be as good as new in no time. In fact 6 weeks later when I had the flap revision on my face, as I drifted off to sleep, the bad previous surgeon said, “When you wake up, you will be pretty once again.”

Imagine my horror when I woke in recovery and asked for a mirror and saw this face staring back at me!

This was hardly what I expected and I found both the results and the discomfort I felt unacceptable. Especially when I was told that it didn’t hurt! Ah, excuse me?

I suppose I could have gone back to the original bad surgeon, but thank goodness I was encouraged to go to Boston where I met the good surgeon, who is slowly giving me a face I can live with.

After the first surgery I had with Dr. P. in July.

How often have we taken what our faces look like for granted? Oh yeah, I know that face in the mirror…Rough night last night…looking a little tired…Wow, my skin is completely clear, this never happens! lol!

My point is, it is your face, for good or bad. You know all your freckles or wrinkles or little marks that tell you, this is you.

So the last six months I have found myself with a real crisis of identity. That was until this past weekend, when my most recent surgery was unveiled when the steri-strips fell off.

It’s me again! I am back. I can look in the mirror in the morning and recognize the face I see!

The good doctor who did this, the gifted surgeon, is not just a talent, but his humanity is astounding.

Even if this is as good as it gets, I am happy. Most of all, I am grateful! I can see myself once again!

I am so lucky to have my cousin Janet. She is able to think of amazing things to do, and to pull me out of my sadness and get me going.

So it was this weekend.

She and her new Hubby, Dave came up and we had a wonderful cookout here with Janet’s brother Larry and his fiancee Cindy on Saturday. We had everything from stuffed eggs, to cheeseburgers to corn on the cob! Dessert was a chocolate wedding cake for the love birds!

We managed to get the cookout in before the skies opened and it poured! We watched two movies, “When Harry Met Sally” and “The Descendents”. Both really great movies.

Sunday morning we got up early and Janet, Dave and I headed north for the Lancaster, NH Fair. It’s an annual event and it is so well done, with farm animals and 4-H projects that the local kids have been working on all year.

We had decided not to over eat. So what we did was find the Fair Food we liked and then share it. It worked out perfectly. I love fried dough with butter and powdered sugar. Janet loves kettle corn, Dave loves ribs and fried scallops. All were available, and we split them three ways. Dessert was even better. A strawberry Sundae and Apple Crisp.

We went in every tent with every sort of animal. We saw goats and pigs,

and cows

and bulls. We saw miniature horses and draft horses that pull large loads. We saw horses with little friends,

and strangely beautiful ones too.

We also got there early enough to see the dressage competition.

Today was life affirming and meeting the local people and the local kids, reminded me that life does indeed go on. And that happiness is all around, if only one stops, takes the time and looks.

Hubby and I  got up at zero dark thirty and headed for Boston on Monday. At first all was well, and surprisingly, the traffic was moving right along and then, at the border of New Hampshire and Massachusetts, the traffic stopped dead!

My heart sank! Hubby was relentless and careful, but I was a nervous wreck! Do you know how crazy people drive early in the morning on their way to work!

A few exits in to Massachusetts things opened up a bit and we were sailing along. I breathed a sigh of relief, believing that we would make my appointment.

We took out turn off of Route 93 onto Storrow Drive and BAM! The traffic came to a complete stop!

Holy crap!

We began to plan what we would do if we reached the point of just making the appointment. I’d jump from the car, run to his office and Hubby would join me after parked the car.

But for some reason, we actually made it! Yay us! And then, the doctor was running late! I just had to laugh!

He took out the stitches, and he’s not sure yet if I will need more surgery or not. I’m still quite swollen and bruised. So, I go back in a month and I will find out then.

Meanwhile, here I am.

What do you think?

Today I’m down at the doctor getting out my stitches. Below is a picture of me taken on Sunday. Hubby and I think the nose is looking good, but the eyebrow is still a problem. It is very swollen and still not pointing correctly on my face. But…we will see what the good doctor has to say. It is such a relief to have such a good doctor now. I trust him implicitly.

My oven decided to stop working! The stove is 13 years old so certainly I have gotten my money’s worth out of it, but now I need to take a big chunk of my savings, and buy a new stove! We’re researching things as much as we can. I wish I could afford one of those super duper machines. But I don’t have $4000.00 lying around.

Instead I will buy an average priced machine and really, all I want is for it to be self cleaning! The rest of the stove magic, I hope to do myself.

Tonight’s dinner was terrible. I mean how do you cook things with only a toaster oven, microwave and a stove-top burner? All I can say is, that I hope by weeks end we have a new kitchen range

I’ve been thinking the last few days that I am sinking into depression. I have not been sweeping floors, dusting shelves or mopping. I’ve just been getting by.

It started when I was diagnosed with cancer back in February, and I don’t think I have been right since.

This morning I got up and thought about the disaster in my house. So, after breakfast I vacuumed everything, mopped the wood floors and dusted.

Then I took the 12 boxes of slides and returned them to the bookcase. It was actually painful to do that, but having them in the office only served to remind me of the passing of my mother.

I water the garden, which has mostly died. I wasn’t able to keep up with it, and I maybe had two summer squash and 5 zucchini. I did have plenty of beans and pickling cucumbers. But no eggplant. The tomatoes are still coming in. So, I am hopeful for more tomatoes to make sauce with.

So I’m working really hard to get back to feeling like myself, but I realized that I will never quite be that person.

I am lucky. I still have my sister. She will now be the person I share my childhood with.

Last March, when I had my first surgeries, I did okay without my glasses. I could see the TV, I could navigate around the house, heck, in a pich I could have driven the car. I think I did too!

However, with my latest surgery and the fact that cannot wear my glasses, I have noticed that I cannot see a darn thing!

Even bringing my font size up has not really helped. I find myself reaching for my glasses often, and even while I hold them in front of my eyes, I’m just not seeing too well.

I think after the recovery from this surgery is over, I will need a complete exam and new glasses. This should be good.

I’m thinking Harry Potter glasses, as I now have the Voldemort mark on my forehead. I could be Harry Potter’s older sister!

I woke up on Thursday with a small fever. Because I haven’t been sleeping well, I decided to take some time, do a little laundry and watch some mindless TV. I wanted to nap too, but that was not to be.

The nose, brow and forehead are painful. I tried taking the pain medication, but it seemed to keep me awake. So it’s Motrin for me.

In fact, despite my exhaustion, I simply cannot get a good night sleep! I’ve been waking 2 or 3 times in the night and finding it tough to get back to sleep.

I’ve done some cooking and canning, making my Heavenly Peach Jam and a batch of the best bread pudding ever!

Just staying busy. I’m trying not to think deep thoughts, but they keep coming up anyway.

I guess this is grief.

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.” ~Blessed Mother Teresa

I’m not Catholic, but I love Mother Theresa. She was such a good holy woman, and it is wonderful to know, that even she felt challenged at times.

Take right now, in my life. My mom passed away yesterday morning. I should be rejoicing, as my faith tells me that she is no longer in pain, and is in the house of God! Also, with all my family, who have gone before her.

But I am feeling terribly sad. It’s almost like finishing your favorite book and knowing that you cannot go back and experience that first read ever again.

My relationship was not always easy with Mom, but I loved her so much, and my biggest fear is, she didn’t know how much I loved her.

Add to this the fact that I have just had my surgery and I feel just a little more than challenged. Especially since I cannot cry for my mother. That makes my eye and nose hurt so much. Well, crying must be set aside for another day.

I HAD to cook the Heavenly Jam today. I’d started the process yesterday, and I just had to finish today. Three batched done over an hour for each. Yeah, call me tired.

And lest we forget the spaghetti sauce. I had to do that too. It made enough for four meals.

But I want to make a request here and now. “Dear Lord, I am tired and aching and my heart is broken. Please find just a little time for me to rest. Thank you. Love, MB”

We were up early for our ride into Boston. I made a nice breakfast and then we hit the road. We made it into Boston in record time, leaving us time to look around and get lunch. We split a cheese steak sub sandwich (a really good one) and then it was time for me to have my operation.
I sat down with Dr. P. and he first asked about my mother. How kind of him to remember that she is so ill. Then we spoke about the surgery and we spoke about the forehead. It seemed he had extra time because of a cancelled operation. So he did both the top of the nose and the right side, as well as the forehead! I was very happy except, it hurts like heck!
We managed to make it home in no time, and I told Hubby to please make me a strong gin and tonic and that has helped the pain. I am surprised at how much pain I have had. Far more than the last time, but then, he worked on my forehead where that pesky nerve has been!

Well, I am went to bed early as the pain was bad and it did wake me in the night. Aside from peeling peaches and getting them ready to make Heavenly Jam, I plan a lot of down time today.

Today’s the day! My next plastic surgery. Hubby and I are leaving in the AM to go to Boston. My dog sitter will come in and take care of the motley crew from here. So nice to have her around and not worry about having to leave them.

As excited as I am, I am also nervous! What will it look like? What will I look like? Will it hurt?

The surgery time is 12:30. Luckily, I won’t have general anesthesia, just local. I’m glad for that, as the last time I had general anesthesia I felt sick afterward.

My nose is actually looking pretty well good now. I know we still have a ways to go, but really,  I am looking great.

Above today. Below July.

So now I think the real healing begins. Both body and mind. It has been a long road, but I think we are going to be alright.