Looking Back

Looking back over the years, I remember 29 years ago, (which was June 13) being happy that June 13 wasn’t on a Friday. It mattered not. June 13th turned into the worst day of my life. It was the day of my car accident.

In 1985 I was married to my ex-husband, Bob, and we had just finished building a small house in southern New Hampshire. We did everything in it from the design, framing, insulation, wall boarding, painting, etc. It was quite an accomplishment.
We had two daughters, Amanda age 8 and Katie age 6. Katie had just graduated from Kindergarten at the end of May, so she was already out of school, while Amanda was still in classes for another few days.
We had planned a huge house warming party to show off our new home to family and friends for the 15th of June. The weather was good and so we thought it was all coming together.
On the 13th of June, the electric company came and did the final hook up for our water heater! Finally hot water. The workman suggested I wait for an hour or so before using the hot water. Great, I thought, I’ll go out and do errands while I wait for my first hot bath in our new home.

48

Katie, Me and Sheba

Katie and I dressed in our work clothes, got our 4 month old puppy Sheba, and climbed into my 1979 Ford Fiesta car. It was a beautiful, warm sunny June day, with such a bright blue sky and not one cloud. We stopped at the bank, and we stopped at the hot tub shop to make the final arrangements for the delivery of our new tub. I was happy and I felt carefree.
Katie and I climbed into the car and headed to another store to get her and her sister new bathing suits. Both the girls had grown over the winter and their swim suits no longer fit them.
As I started the car, I looked over at Katie and smiled. She had buckled her seat belt and locked her door. Just as I was getting ready to move the car she looked at me and said, “Mom, put your seat belt on too.” Little minx! So I dutifully put mine on and off we went.
As we drove we listened to the radio and we talked. Out of the blue, Katie said, “I love you so much Mommy!” and I replied, “I love you too, Katie!”
Less than a mile from our intended destination, the traffic light turned red. I shifted out of gear and slowly came to a stop.
That is all I remember.

Behind me, an impaired (stoned) man was driving a 5 ton boxed van truck loaded with windows. He never put on his brakes, apparently never saw us or the red light and literally drove over the top of my car, crushing Katie and I in it. Sheba, who was in the back seat, had jumped free of the car when the windows imploded. My car, with the truck on top of it, was pushed over 190 feet across a four lane road before hitting a curb and stopping.
A crane operator, who was working less than a 1/2 a mile away, saw the accident and knew that the only way to get the truck off the little car was for him to get his crane over to us. He immediately started over.
At the next stop light, was an off duty ambulance with 2 paramedics. They witnessed the accident and immediately called it in, while turning on their lights and rushing to the scene.
The police arrive almost immediately and the fight started to free Kate and me from the car.
The paramedics got oxygen on me. I was still unconscious, and unresponsive to them. They could not reach Katie, but they could see her shoes.
Someone grabbed the dog and after checking her tags, brought her to our Vet. I never knew who did this, but I was always grateful.
Thirty minutes after the accident the crane lifted the truck off the car. The fire fighters used the jaws of life and peeled back the roof of the car.
This is when I woke up. It was very confusing. I remember looking up and seeing the large tire of a truck hanging over my head. I remember the kindness of the paramedic as he was stabilizing my neck and back. But it was all quite surreal.
While they stabilized me in the car, the other paramedic had gotten Katie out. She was gone. He struggled, using all his talents to revive this beautiful little child. I did not see her there. They got her breathing again, and she was taken to the hospital.
I was removed from the car and loaded into the second ambulance and I only vaguely remember this. The paramedic was named Dave, and I recall him apologizing before he cut away my clothes. I didn’t care. I just wanted to know if Katie was okay.
I’d been asking that since I came to and no one would tell me anything other than she was on her way to the hospital.
I remember being in the Emergency Room and having a CAT Scan, and not being aware of anything but my longing to be with Katie and the nurses and doctors telling me that I had to stay put.
Katie’s Pediatrician came in. Don’t ask me how long a time I was there waiting. He said that they were doing all sorts of scans on her, but that they’d had to intubate her and put her on a respirator. He said it did not look good, but that she was young and healthy.
No one could find my ex-husband at first so they called a friend of mine who seemed to instantly appear.
All during this, my sense of time was gone. Hours seemed like seconds and then time would just stand still.
My friend, Fern, had also been Katie’s Kindergarten teacher. Katie loved her. I told Fern to go and talk to Katie and tell her to wake up. More than anything, I wanted Katie to just open her eyes.
My ex-husband arrived, stayed with me for a moment and then he went off to see Katie. I have never seen a man more destroyed than he was when he returned to see me again.
We were both taken to Intensive Care that first night, while they evaluated our tests. They knew I had sustained a head injury, but at that time they did not know how severe. Katie was still in a coma and was unresponsive.
My sister and brother in-law arrived and stayed the night keeping a vigil at my bedside and Kate’s. During the night I was allowed to see her, and they took me in by wheel chair. I recall nothing but seeing her small body in the bed with the machine breathing for her. I held her hand and I told her how much I loved her and that she should come back to us.
This was something she never did.

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She was flown to Boston to Tufts New England Medical Center, in the hopes they could perform a miracle for her. But none came. I signed myself out of the hospital in New Hampshire, with a body that quite literally ached from the brutality of the accident, and headed to Tufts. I spent day and night there with her and even managed to give her one last sponge bath. Then I sat holding her for hours in my lap. On the 19th of June, Katie passed away. She was 6 1/2 years old.

Happy Birthday, Katie!

It’s so easy to take our loved ones for granted. We just assume that they know how we feel and that they will always be around. Don’t miss the opportunity to tell and show the people you love how you feel. No regrets, no missed chances.

35 years ago I gave birth to Mandy’s younger sister, Katie. She was a joy for us all, but tragically, she passed from this life into the next when she was six and a half years old.

I miss her every day of my life. I think the hardest thing is the fact that so many new people have come into our world, who will never know Katie, or the great girl she was.

So Happy Birthday, my darling girl! I hope they have delicious cakes in Heaven!

In Memory of Katie from Dackel Princess Maribeth on Vimeo.

Kathleen Alynne

November 8, 1978 – June 19, 1985

If tears could build a stairway,

And memories were a lane,

I would walk right up to Heaven

To bring you home again.

No farewell’s were spoken,

No time for goodbye,

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knows why.

My heart still aches in sadness,

And secret tears will flow,

What is meant to me to lose you,

No one will ever know.

Author Unknown

You can read all about Katie and what happened to her HERE. Today would have been her 34th birthday. It doesn’t matter how long it has been. You never forget, and the pain never really does go away.

Happy Birthday to my sweet Angel in Heaven!

In Memory Of My Katie

33 years ago today, I gave birth to my second daughter, Kathleen Alynne. She weighed 8 pounds and 10 ounces and was 21 inches long. She came into this world with red curls and green eyes and left us six and a half years later, with the same bright red curls and flashing green eyes.

I still cannot believe that she is gone from us. She was a sweet, kind, gentle little girl, who never had the chance to grow up.

So bear with me today, as I remember and shed a few tears, for the little girl, I lost, far too early in her life.

Katie Birthday Memorial from Dackel Princess Maribeth on Vimeo.

Happy Birthday, my dear, Katie and rest in peace.

Katie 1978-1985

If tears could build a stairway,

And memories were a lane,

I would walk right up to Heaven

To bring you home again.

No farewell’s were spoken,

No time for goodbye,

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knows why.

My heart still aches in sadness,

And secret tears will flow,

What is meant to me to lose you,

No one will ever know.

Author Unknown

Katie Memorial from Dackel Princess Maribeth on Vimeo.

You can read all about Katie and I and the accident HERE.

Happy Mother’s Day

Growing up, while many of my friends were planning futures where they would become, doctors, lawyers, nurses, models, pop stars or whatever, I planned my life for one thing. I wanted, more than anything to have children.  I loved children, and although for a while I was told that I might never have them (endometriosis) I proved the doctors wrong and gave birth to my first daughter 1 year and 1 day after I married her father.

Twenty-three months later, her sister, Katie was born, and I was officially the Mommy of two beautiful girls! I was happier than ever, and I love my girls like nothing I can ever describe. It’s truly awe inspiring. I look at Mandy and all I can see is the beauty in her face, her heart, her mind and her soul!

I miss my Katie. I guess I will never really recover from her loss, so early in her life, but, I look back at the times when we were all together and life was good, and I smile.

Here is a very short video montage of me and my girls.

My Mother’s Day from Dackel Princess Maribeth on Vimeo.

In Memory Of My Daughter, Katie

32 years ago today, I gave birth to my second daughter, Kathleen Alynne. She weighed 8 pounds and 10 ounces and was 21 inches long. She came into this world with red curls and green eyes and left us six and a half years later, with the same bright red curls and flashing green eyes.

I miss her more each year. I still cannot believe that she is gone from us. She was a sweet, kind, gentle little girl, who never had the chance to grow up.

So bear with me today, as I remember and shed a few tears, for the sweet daughter, I lost, far too early in her life.

Katie Birthday Memorial from Dackel Princess Maribeth on Vimeo.

Happy Birthday, my dear, Katie and rest in peace.

Twenty-Five Years

Today it has been 25 years since my car accident. 25 years since my daughter Katie passed from this world. Yet, in so many ways it is like she was just with me yesterday.

It’s an odd feeling, you know. To have someone you love so very much taken from you so early in their life. It is a difficult thing. For many years I fought with myself because, despite the fact that Katie had passed, I had somehow managed to go on.

Many people said that they would never be able to live if they lost their child.  That statement simply cut me to the bone in the early days. I truly wondered if I had done something wrong in having survived at all.

I struggled and wept. I isolated myself and truly was tortured by the horror of that day. I prayed for a miracle. I begged for a miracle and none came.

Or maybe it did. You see. Eventually I began to allow my faith to comfort me. When I was able to do that, I was able to let go and leave Katie to rest in peace.

Katie was a wonderful little girl. She had a mostly cheery disposition, loved her mother, father, sister and life. She was kind, and gentle and thoughtful in ways one doesn’t expect a six year old to be.

She had a great sense of humor, a good imagination, and not too much got her down.

Yes, it has been twenty-five years since my little girl left me and today I am grieving. I did not get to watch her grow up. I didn’t get to see her go on her first date, to her prom, or graduate from High School. There will be no college, or wedding, and I will never hold her baby in my arms.

However, I have said it before and I will believe it until the day that I go to meet the good Lord above, Love Never Dies!

So rest in peace my dearest daughter. One day we will be reunited and the time we will share will be endless.

Katie from Dackel Princess Maribeth on Vimeo.

If tears could build a stairway,

And memories were a lane,

I would walk right up to Heaven

To bring you home again.

No farewell’s were spoken,

No time for goodbye,

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knows why.

My heart still aches in sadness,

And secret tears will flow,

What is meant to me to lose you,

No one will ever know.

Author Unknown

Katie

Many of you know that besides Mandy, I had another daughter, Katie, who was killed at the age of 6 1/2 by an impaired driver. Most days I get along very well, however there are certain days that I find myself missing her and longing for her. Today is one of those days.

Today Katie would have celebrated her 31st birthday.

kate1a

Kathleen Alynne was born at 5:29 AM on November 8th 1978. She was two weeks late and I had begun to feel as if I were part elephant. In the delivery room I remember asking the nurse to clean off her hair because the blood made it look red. She laughed at me (She also had red hair) and told me that this was it! My child was a redhead!

Katie was a neat kid and we all loved her. She had a wicked sense of humor, yet was also sensitive and empathetic, which was strange in one so young.

Her loss is bothering me a bit more this year probably due to the fact that I have been feeling angry that we were robbed of so much of her life.

Here is a montage of some of the pictures that I like the best. She was a real joker in front of the camera, almost always had a smile on her little face.


I know one day Katie and I will be together again, and that we will share an eternity, but for today I miss her something fierce!

Flowers

On Friday my blog friend Rude Cactus asked a question on his blog.

The Weekly Hypothetical. You can go backward or forward in time – or just stay put in the present day – with a notebook and a pen to interview anyone for one hour. Who do you interview and what questions do you ask?”

I answered, ” I would go back to 1985 and I would interview my daughter Katie. I would ask her about what she thought about life, happiness and love. I know it wouldn’t be profound for anyone else but me, but oh those moments would mean so much!”

Posted by Maribeth at February 6, 2009 1:27 PM”

img047

I found out today that I had won a bouquet of the flowers of my choice. So I went over and selected this rose plant. We used to call Katie, Rose-bud as a nickname, so it seemed appropriate.

PLT6inpinkros_ltbskt08_l

Plus I figured that the plant would live for a long while reminding me of Katie and of my friend.

So, thank you Chris, for this. It means more to me than you can imagine. By saying what you did and by supporting me over the years, you help to honor my daughter.

Thanks!!!