Katie

35 Years

It’s hard for me to believe that it has been thirty-five years since the car accident that took the life of my six-year-old daughter, Katie.

It seems like so long ago, another lifetime. And yet, it also seems like just yesterday and I remember each and every detail.

The accident happened on June 13, 1985, and Katie passed away a few days later on the 19th. I’d prayed she would come back to us and wake from her coma. But, sometimes prayers are not answered.

Each year I have felt such pain. And guilt. Guilt at having been the survivor of this great tragedy. One that was entirely the other driver’s fault.

However this year I have a feeling of lightness. I will try to explain, but I am sure many of you will doubt what I am about to write.

My daughter, Mandy gave me a wonderful Mother’s Day gift. She gave me a psychic reading this Spring. I am a great Doubting Thomas, but this man was amazing and spot on.

Mandy & Katie 1985

I will not go through all he told me, but he did tell me that Katie was telling him that she did not blame me, that it wasn’t my fault, and that she is fine!

There was so much more. He knew things that no one else did, but the healing words he spoke, how it all happened, helped me to finally heal. Finally, I was able to forgive myself.

Me & Katie November 1984

So on this day, the day that changed my life forever, I am able to know that my dearest, sweetest daughter, Katie, is resting in peace.

November 8, 1978 – June 19, 1985

Happy Birthday, Katie

Each year I remember Katie on her birthday. When you lose a child so very young, (Katie was 6 and a half years old) the harsh reality is, that she is frozen in time.

The pictures I have are the only ones I will ever have. Taken with cheap cameras, because back then, there was no such thing as a digital camera or cell phones that actually took pictures. You had to buy film, pose a shot and then hope upon hope that when your pictures came back you captured something good. One never really knew.

These are the best pictures of Katie with her Dad, sister, Mandy and me.

What a neat kid she was. Usually happy and cheerful, she loved music, art, and dancing. She adored animals and was quite a gentle soul.

The day she was born, found me waking very early for her 5:30 AM debut. She was a little smaller than Mandy at birth but had her very original wisps of curly red hair. My baby.

I miss her a great deal. It’s actually hard to describe. It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Not wanting to, but having no choice.

I learned to go on, but always and forever, there is a piece of me missing.

Happy Birthday to my darling, youngest daughter in Heaven. Some day, one day, I will see you again.

Memories on Saturday Morning

Mostly I do very well. I try not to dwell on the accident, and the greatest loss of my life, the death of my six-year-old daughter.

Oh, I miss her like crazy, but in order to go forward in my life, I had to put all those emotions and feelings in a box and place them in a storage unit on a shelf in my mind.

Katie was a sweet and loving child. She was quick with a smile and her laughter put a smile on my face.

She had a kind heart and loved her family deeply, especially Amanda. She was a good friend to many.

I wasn’t thinking about her, at least not actively, when I was out the other day. I was driving around doing errands and as I slowly drove down Main Street, I saw a little red-haired girl, skipping down the street, laughing and holding the hand of her mother. As she skipped, her red curls bounced around her head.

For just a moment I was taken back in time. I could see Katie in my mind, doing the same thing with me.

The mist of time was all around me and I could feel Katie with me. I slowed my car, and looked to see if, if, …

This was all for a split second or two and then the feeling left me, as I could quite plainly see, this was not Katie.

That’s when I recalled that for the first few ~~months,~~ years, I used to search for Katie in large crowds. Part of me not wanting to believe she was really gone.

This has been on my mind the last few days as I wondered if I should share this story on my Blog. I have only written about Katie on the anniversary of her birth and death. But this does happen occasionally to me and it breaks my heart all over again.

When I lost my dearest friend, Candy, I sat holding her hand and when we talked about the end of her life, I told her that real love never dies. I truly believe this.

I guess for me, for the part of me that still yearns for my little girl, I still feel all that love, and I guess I see her in my mind’s eye.

One day I know, we will be together again. After all, real love never dies.

Thinking of Katie

11/8/78 – 6/19/85

I had a lovely daughter, named Kathleen “Katie” Alynne. She was my youngest daughter and quite amazing. She was six and a half when an impaired (stoned) driver, hit my car and killed her. She actually lived until June 19th, but she never regained consciousness after they pulled her from the car. So in my mind and my heart, the 13th is the day that she left us.

You never get over losing a child. But you learn to go on, and to make a new life for yourself. But on days like today, I like to remind everyone that once long ago, lived a beautiful little girl named Katie!

***************

This is so beautiful. I was crying by the second line, Written by Henry Scott Holland (27 January 1847 – 17 March 1918) was Regius Professor of Divinity at the University of Oxford.

I miss you each day, Katie.

TBT: Katie

It’s been nearly 34 years since my daughter, Katie passed. I wish I could explain the depth of pain you feel when you see the last picture of your child.

The last picture I knew of was taken by me of Katie and her sister on a lovely Spring day that year. They both looked so beautiful and I brought them outside and shot nearly an entire roll of film.

A few weeks after those pictures were taken, Katie passed away. I remember holding the pictures in my hands, thinking that this was it.

And so it was for 34 years.

Recently, Katie’s best friend from those long ago days passed away. Her father posted two pictures of his daughter’s birthday party. There, before my eyes, were two pictures that included Katie! Two new pictures of my sweet daughter!

I have cropped the pictures to protect the privacy of the other family, who just lost their daughter. She was a wonderful girl, who grew up to be very special. Sadly she passed just before her 40th birthday

I saw Katie’s face. Her beautiful smile. My heart filled, and so did my eyes, which overflowed and tears fell down my face.

What a beautiful gift!

I am so very thankful

Happy 40th Birthday Katie

Many of you know that besides Mandy, I had another daughter, Katie, who was killed at the age of 6 1/2 (click the link to read that story) by an impaired driver. Most days I get along very well, however, there are certain days that I find myself missing her and longing for her. Today is one of those days.

Today Katie would have celebrated her 40th birthday.

Kathleen Alynne was born at 5:29 AM on November 8th, 1978. She was two weeks late and I had begun to feel as if I were part elephant. In the delivery room, I remember asking the nurse to clean off her head because the blood made it look red. She laughed at me (She also had red hair) and told me that this was it! My child was a redhead!

Katie was a neat kid and we all loved her. She had a wicked sense of humor, yet was also sensitive and empathetic, which was strange in one so young.

Her loss is bothering me a bit more this year probably due to the fact that I have been feeling angry that we were robbed of so much of her life.

Of course, she missed so much of her own life too. I wish she was here to meet her brother and sister, to see her niece and nephew and to be enjoying her life.

I think of what she would be like at 40 years old, where she would be in her life, and how many kids she would have. She once told me she wanted 5 children! That made me laugh. But she did love kids, so who knows.

Here is a montage of some of the pictures that I like the best. She was a real joker in front of the camera, almost always had a smile on her little face.

I know one day Katie and I will be together again, and that we will share an eternity, but for today I miss her something fierce!

Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl!

In Memoriam

Today is the thirty-third anniversary of the accident that took my beloved daughter, Katie from our lives. Many years ago I wrote about the accident, and the things I could recall. You can read that post HERE.

The 13th of June is a somber day for me. and I think it always will be. At this point in life, I get quite angry that Katie did not live to grow up. Never knew her first love, went to a Prom, had children, or could be whatever it was that she wanted to be in this life. It was all taken from her, and from those of us, that love her.

Below you will find a montage of pictures of my darling little girl. While putting this together, I was struck by the fact that one of the hardest things as a parent is when you realize that a certain picture of your child, is the very last picture you have.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I’ll find my way through night and day
‘Cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging, please
Beyond the door, there’s peace I’m sure
And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven

Happy Birthday Katie ~ Always

This would have been Katie’s 39th Birthday. It seems so strange to me when I think about it because when I see her in my mind, she is forever six years old.

But I wanted to remember her, on this special day. For her birth was one of the happiest days of my life. I miss her so much, and I think I always will. I can still hear her voice, and see her bright shining smile.

So Happy Birthday, my little Angel. I miss you, and love you, and think of you every moment of every day.

In Memory of Katie from Dackel Princess Maribeth on Vimeo.

Memories of Katie Alynne

11/8/78 – 6/19/85

***************

This is so beautiful. I was crying by the second line, Written by Henry Scott Holland (27 January 1847 – 17 March 1918) was Regius Professor of Divinity at the University of Oxford.

I miss you each day, Katie.

In Memory of Katie from Dackel Princess Maribeth on Vimeo.

Katie Alynne November 8, 1978 – June 13, 1985 from Dackel Princess Maribeth on Vimeo.

This would have been Katie’s 38th Birthday. It seems so strange to me when I think about it because when I see her in my mind, she is forever six years old.

But I wanted to remember her, on this special day. For her birth was one of the most special days of my life.

So Happy Birthday, my little Angel. I miss you, and love you, and think of you always.

Katie's 37th Birthday from Dackel Princess Maribeth on Vimeo.