Thursday Thoughts

Good Morning, Gentle Readers,

As I wake each day and begin the process of walking myself through another day, I have realized that I am still in a state of shock with the loss of my husband.

Now I knew he was ill. I knew that at 85 years old, Jack was living his last days, but that day at home, his last day at home, he was happy.  All was right in his world.

And then, just like that…it wasn’t.

Now I wander around. I look for Jack outside, and the other day I actually wondered when he’d call. I know he won’t be coming home or calling, and I sure do miss him.

The Food Bank continues to make out well. There are so many items that Jack loved, and I did not. I’ll tell you, it felt very good to bring it all in, especially since their shelves were empty.

Lili is doing a bit better. She sure misses Jack, and her nerves have been somewhat frayed. But each day, she seems to get better and better.

Have a great Thursday, and keep an eye on the sky, as we are due for some rough weather later on.

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Happy Birthday, Melodie!

Today is my sister’s birthday. I wish I could be down with her to celebrate her big day.

I do want to tell you all what a wonderful sister Melodie is. She is five and a half years older than me, and I was her “first baby.” She cared for me like a little mother and was always more like a mother to me than a sister. I am so blessed to have her!

Mel is one of the kindest women that I know. She always has a smile and a warm greeting for those around her. She loves her family wholeheartedly, rejoices in their successes, and comforts them in their sorrows.

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Ron and Melodie

She has been married to her husband, Ron, for over 50 years. They met at the age of 13 at summer camp and wrote to each other for many years before their wedding in November of 1971.

So today, on her 70th Birthday, I want to wish my beloved sister, Melodie, a very Happy Birthday!

293050308_10226394720787413_331198945436785005_nMy beautiful sister! I love you so much!

Friday Five July 21st

The Friday FiveAfter my first good night’s sleep in a very long time, I sat down this morning and said, “Oh my, it’s Friday!” Time for the Friday Five.

  1. Often I have heard of paper reduction acts. I am all for them, especially when I got my Widows Pension Pack from the Government. This pack is forty pages long, and nearly every page contains information that they already have due to Jack’s status in the military. I have called for help every day and no one answers. Today I will call again. However, I will call a different department and beg!
  2. I stopped in to check with someone who knows my cars and got an idea of what I can get for the Cadillac. He’s been a friend for over twenty years, so we talked a lot about Jack and things.
  3. Actually, yesterday I also had my hair done. I do not want a fussy hairdo. I want to shower and scrunch and go. These are natural curls.july 23

    Why not use them? I am so lucky to have Becca. She is a young friend and stylist. Didn’t she do a great job?

  4. Today I’d like to sit and actually do some paperwork. Pay bills, write a few notes, and organize my certificates folder. Jack’s original social security card and birth certificate are in this folder. They are very old and are in tatters.
  5. Since Jack’s passing, I have not watched any TV. I put on music in the morning and let that calm my soul. Life has changed. This is new territory for me.  My world is different, but life is going on.

I Wish You Enough

I wish you enough…

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• I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
• I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
• I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
• I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
• I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
• I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
• I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final goodbye.

Author Unknown

 

Busy Work

Today I started the task of sifting. I’m going through all the “stuff” that Jack has accumulated in his time. Jack was a pack rat and often came home with more than he went with to the recycling center! You know, one man’s junk is another man’s treasure?

As I go along, I am amazed at all Jack’s junk (totally trash!). My brother inlaw will be pleased. I’ve thrown out a lot of garbage already.

I was doing well, and it hit me…Jack’s not coming back. Now I know it was his time. I know he is in a better place. But darn it. I sure do miss him.

John Galsworthy wrote: “Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives.” In my case, this is true. I shared 35+ years with my husband. So many times, travels, laughter, joy, and challenges.

I thought I was prepared. I thought I was ready. On certain levels, I am. Maybe clearing this house filled with his junk will be a soothing balm for my soul.

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The Friday Five ~ July 14th

The Friday FiveThe week has ended. One part of my life has ended, and now I must turn and place my foot forward and begin again. So, my Gentle Readers here is this week’s Friday Five.

    1. Yesterday, I was taking care of the kitchen and family room, and then today was a run to the Vet to see about Heidi’s eyes. She is fine and just needs a little ointment for a few days.
    2. I stopped to get the mail, and then we came home. I thought we might go out for dinner, but a very kind friend brought me Chinese Food!
    3. Everything came to a head today. I need to start signing up for Social Security and Medicare A & B and find out how to retain my Delta Eyecare and Dental. I felt myself calling out to Jack. You rat, you left me to deal with all of this!
    4. Beautiful flowers arrived while I was napping.356976265_5894300810671260_1641660618651355372_nCream and Yellow Roses. My favorite! I felt so loved.
    5. Finally, this weekend brings me peace and quiet.  I plan several days of light music, lots of naps, and a lot of solitude!

 

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The Debate Lingers On…

Tuesday, I said goodbye to my husband and best friend of thirty-five years. I cannot tell you the number of times we argued about cremation vs dressed and sleeping in a pretty casket. We will just say it was quite numerous.

Jack wanted a pretty casket and a good make-up job. Really, I never understood this. But I understood on Tuesday morning when I went to the Funeral Home to say goodbye to Jack.

The old saying “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming — WOW– What a Ride!” was flooding my mind. Jack had certainly led one crazy life. Could he look used up as he was laid to rest?

I was led in alone. I walked forward, and there he was. My handsome husband looking a good twenty years younger!

I stood looking at his handsome face. All the love I’ve had for him made me smile. I whispered to him, “Darn Jack, you are looking really good!”

So the debate has begun again. Only I am arguing with myself. Stay tuned!

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Last Moments

People think that the last lucid moments in life will somehow be prophetic. Maybe some are. But that last time Jack and I were just happily living out life was lovely for me.

I made the coffee, and upon handing him a fresh cup, he exclaimed that it was really good that morning. He said he felt good. Good and hungry. He wanted a McDonalds Big Breakfast.

After exacting a promise from him that he would not get out of his chair while I drove the three minutes to Mcdonald’s and back,  I, still in my pajamas, went off to pick up my drive-through breakfasts.

I arrived back home and fixed his tray table with his food. He was quite happy and started to put the strawberry jam on his biscuit.

As I ate my breakfast, Jack sort of slumped to the left. I thought Lili and Heidi might be getting spoiled, and I asked Jack if he was feeding them. There was no answer.

It was at that moment that I realized that Jack had gone. Thirty-five years of marriage and 85 years in his life.

He lingered from that day, July 3rd, until July 6th. He never woke up. He never opened those beautiful blue eyes. The machines made noises, but I knew he was gone.

Ah. The last 35+ years have gone by so fast. I look over, and I see your empty chair. It’s only been a few days, and it seems so long since we had our lazy morning coffee chats. Rest well, Jack.

Jack McEwan

Jack

We spent the day with Jack yesterday. The days feel long, and you keep hoping that Jack will open his eyes, start laughing and sit up to tell you it was all a joke.

But it isn’t a joke, and he hasn’t shown any improvement. I was sitting there yesterday looking at him. In all our years together, he has never been this quiet. Jack used to tease me about being a chatterbox, but we made a good team!

Jack isn’t getting better. The doctor told me that my Jack is gone. If he wakes he would need years in a recovery hospital and even then he would most likely never be my Jack again.

I am praying that God will reach down and bring Jack home.