Category: My Life

My new glasses arrived today. After a year and a half with pink metal frames (what was I thinking?), my new glasses came. They are gold on the top with no bottom frame. I think they pretty much melt into my face.

I did wear contact lenses when I was younger, but after the retina surgeries, I can no longer do that. So….I will continue to find frames that I like, or at least try.

On the left are the old pink metal frames. On the right are the new golden ones, with just a touch of bling! I thought I liked the pink frames. Something different. But I found that it only drew attention to the glasses. I really like me in gold.

Honestly, I am just thankful that I can see perfectly with my glasses and my vision for reading is 20/20 too! I am so grateful to Dr. Chapman, my Retinal Surgeon for repairing both of my retinas and restoring my vision!

With my glasses I can see my beautiful daughter and grandchildren, my husband, our dogs, and the glorious world around me! In fact today as we drove to pick up our glasses (Jack was with me, as he got new glasses too!) I could see the leaves that were just starting to turn color, the brightest, cloudless blue sky, and the apples growing on our trees.

So much beauty! Life is good!

Recently, Jack and I were discussing a sports figure, who was assaulted during a sporting event. This person, though not badly injured, recovered fairly quickly from her injuries, but emotionally, never recovered at all. Although she returned to play once again, she retired very early on, and has become somewhat of a recluse. So very sad to see, as she was amazingly talented, and gifted, with a bright future.

This got me thinking about my own life. I have not always been Maribeth Sunshine. In fact I have fought living in the darkness for many years. And for me to have found my way to where I am, right now, surprises even me. Let me explain.

I’m Bipolar. Okay, there I have said it. Whew! After years and years, of keeping my illness, hush-hushed, I decided to come out of the closet and share with all of you, not only the struggles of this illness, but the joy one can have when they are regulated on their medication.

If I am honest, I can say that I knew as far back as 5th grade, that something was very different inside of me.

 

I married early and had my children. I loved being a Mom, but even then, as they grew I found myself fighting the demons of depression. Anorexia set in and my doctor told me that this was the cause of my depression.

I was in the terrible car accident and my daughter was killed, and the depression became debilitating. It was as if I was in molasses. I could hardly move. I could not think.

Divorce was next in my life and it wasn’t a great thing to go through. I found a small apartment, a job at a local grocery store, and I started to try to learn how to live. But the depression was there. And getting worse every day.

I had known Jack for many years as a friend. He saw me pretty much abandoned by everyone and I think he also saw that emotionally I was not doing well at all. In fact I felt like I was drowning.

Our courtship was short and we married pretty quickly after our divorces came through. Jack saw that I needed to get away, and he provided many opportunities, as a pilot for Pan American World Airways.

  We flew all over the world. If there was an empty seat on his plane, I was in it.    

I saw people and places I had only dreamed of. We had a sailboat and sailed the Intracoastal Waterway from Miami to Maine and back again. We lived on Jack’s apple farm in New Hampshire, with his dog, Rex and a kitten I’d gotten, Tigger and his cat, Dottie.

Most of the time, I was doing okay, but there would be the dark moods, which came, before the high mood returned. During this time, I learned to run, and the running helped me to control the darkness.

We moved five years after we married to Florida. We’d found a beautiful home, in a lovely town and everything seemed idealic. I found a Psychiatrist that I felt comfortable with. He diagnosed me with Bipolar Illness. This was the first mention of this disease affecting me. Reading up on it, I knew that this was me. Finally I knew what was wrong. This was 1996.

In 1998 Jack retired from flying and one day I sat down with Jack and said, “I want to go home to New Hampshire”.

Jack flew up, stayed with friends, and eventually found the land we built our house on. Our Florida house sold in three weeks, and we packed up and were in New Hampshire in April of 1999. Work began on the house, while we lived in our camper. With two dogs, Max and Shubi, and one cat, Tigger. It was a long process, but by Christmas of 1999, we were living in the house.

 

I was still rather unstable with my Bipolar Illness. But moving back to New Hampshire was the best thing I ever did. I found a Psychiatrist whose specialty was medications. Within six months, I was finally stable on Depakote.

It’s strange when you are stable. You never reach those wild highs and the lows are also tempered. It’s not perfect. But it is so much better than being off the medication.

Then one day recently, after Jack was home from the hospital, my cousin mentioned that I was dwelling in the dark again. Not looking at the happiness around me.

At first her words hurt me, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that she was right. So I decided to start thinking differently.

I start each day thinking positively. I look around me and see the good things in life. Not just the things that happened today, but over my lifetime. For all the difficult things I have lived through in my life, there have been a hundred times as many, that fill me with sheer joy.  I have to concentrate of living in the light. I want to hold tight to the good memories, while creating new wonderful ones. As I do this, life becomes better and better.

I do not want people to say, “Poor Maribeth, she lost her child, and then lost her mind”. I want them to say, “Wow! Look at Maribeth! She had so many challenges, and yet she chooses to live in the light!”

Picture this…a woman with a pocket full of kleenex, sneezing up a storm and coughing sidles up to the Pharmacy counter. Now she is not sick, she just has allergies. The woman coughs again, sneezes three times, before talking to the Pharmacist.

“Never had allergies like this before. I need help! What can I take that has almost no side effects, but will help me?”

She checked my medications and then said “Claritin” Just regular plain Claritin. So I bought a box to try and I hoped and prayed that it would work.

It’s been funny this year. My allergies have never been like this. Oh a little coughing and sneezing, but not like this!

How many of you suffer from seasonal allergies? I have had a little, but this year it is BIG. I can now appreciate when people have complained about their allergies.

My brother in-law especially, has had severe allergies all his life. He doesn’t complain about them much, but I have known him since I was 8 years old, I can safely say, I would recognize his sneeze anywhere!

About 2 hours after I took my very first Claritin, I noticed that my sinuses were drying up. The sneezing had been reduced, and my eyes weren’t watering as much. And last night, I actually was able to lie down in bed and I could breath!

This morning, I feel normal. No sneezing, coughing or watery eyes. I don’t feel run down or like I am on the verge of an allergic breakdown! LOL!

Now I was not paid for my opinion about Claritin. I never believed that these wonderful allergy medications actually worked, but I was desperate! Now, you can call me  a grateful user.

Today I am writing about my dearest friend, Carol. I met her 10 years ago, and she quickly became one of the most important women in my life.

Carol is an identical twin. Her sister is named Carolyn. I cannot recall how many times I have teased her about this. After all, back when she was born, times were different. And with an identical twin, she may actually be Carolyn and not Carol at all! (lol)

She has told me many stories of her mother, affectionately called Ma, and I wish I’d gotten to meet her. She sounds like an amazing woman.

Carol is always a phone call away. She is never too busy to answer a call, or listen to my happy chattering, or hold me in her arms when I cry.

I’ve told her many times, that she is not just a friend, but a second mother to me. Someone who loves me regardless of my short comings.

She has said I am another daughter for her. I wasn’t looking for her, and she wasn’t looking for me, and yet, there we were ten years ago, falling into each others paths.

Sometimes I believe that God finds people we should have in our lives. So he drops us into a situation and then lets us see how things work out.

So it was with Carol and me. We met, and decided that we really wanted to be in each others lives.

What a blessing that has been.

It was time for me to return to infectious Disease Doctor down in Concord, NH. A truly remarkable woman, who treats me like a human being!

I had my appointment with her, and we went over tests, she examined me, and we came up with a game plan. I needed two referrals, and will be back to see her in one month.

One thing she and I spoke of, was my allergic reaction to one of the IV antibiotics that the doctors in Boston had used. The reaction was so bad, it landed me back in the hospital for a week, until they figured out what was wrong with me.

The drug was Ceftriaxone. A very powerful antibiotic. They actually gave it to Jack after his amputation and he had no problem with it.

Me? Well, I thought I was going to die! You see a very small percentage of people get what is called “Red Man’s Syndrome”. So, it only seems reasonable, that someone like me who is allergic to almost everything, would have trouble with this drug!

Of course the doctors in Boston allowed me to remain on this drug until I was readmitted with severe dehydration, due to the unbelievable side effects of this drug! The side effects were truly gruesome! Here are the ones I had.

• Redness or rash on back of neck, arms, upper torso or face
• Itchiness of the rash or red blotches
• Low blood pressure
• Rapid heartbeat
• Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea
• Fever or chills
• Hives
• Muscle weakness
• Dizziness or fainting

Now you would think with all of these side effects presenting that the doctors down there would have caught on fairly quickly. But, they did not. In fact when they hospitalized me the third time, I told the doctor I felt like I was going to die. I really did! No one listened. It took them 5 days to diagnose that this was a drug allergy.

My New Hampshire Infectious Disease doctor listens to me, and to her, I am not just another patient.

We now have a game plan to treat me and hopefully all will continue to go well.

Growing up I was pretty much of a Tom-boy. I loved to climb trees, ride bikes, play in the dirt with Tonka Trucks and run around our neighborhood like a little street urchin.

I remember the day my mother had enough of trying to keep my hair snarl free, and she took her sheers and chopped off my hair into a very short pixie cut! (See, I was ahead of my time!)

But Grandma and Dad both didn’t like it, and so my hair was left to grow out.

Just before my fourth birthday, I was supposed to be a flower girl in a wedding, instead I got appendicitis! I was rushed to Falmouth Hospital and operated on.

I remember waking up in the night with terrible stomach pain! I made my way into my parent’s bedroom and I remember being laid on their bed. My legs were tight to my chest. When Dad tried to pull them down, they snapped up so fast I think I might even have hit him!

Off we drove to the hospital and my Dad drove the wrong way and ended up going to the Community Theater! Eventually we made it, and Dr. Wessling removed my appendix.

All I remember about all of that was, he was nice and the ether smelled terrible!

I remember looking through the bars of my hospital cot to watch “Captain Kangaroo” and “Bozo the Clown”. I think I was in the hospital for a week.

My sister was not allowed to come up. She was beside herself with worry! So, my parents thought it was wrong to keep us apart and they snuck her up to pediatrics so Melodie could see me.

I was given all sorts of presents while I was in the hospital. I think Digger the Dog was my favorite.

The only problem was, that by the time my birthday rolled around, I’d gotten all the gifts.

I remember coming home and going up the stairs to my room when I slipped on the steps and fell. I cried out to my mother, “Oh no! I’m bleeding!”

My poor mother came running, thinking my stitches had ruptured, only to find I had cut my finger!

Somehow Mom managed to make a party for my birthday a few weeks later in November. And magically, there were presents for me too.

All this from the earliest memories in my mind. I do admit to fact checking one part, but everything else was accurate.

Amazing what a three and a half year old can remember!