In recent days there has been quite a controversy about the release of the pictures of Princess Diana in her car after the accident. One news show gave you all the key words to use in Google to find them. Did I follow the link and go and look? Yes I did.
Why?
I asked myself this question as I stared at the photo. Because in my minds eye I could see myself.
You see 22 years ago today I was involved in a terrible car accident. I have written about it here. It’s a time of my life that I no longer dwell on (not too much anyway) but it is always with me.
Usually on June 13th I write about my feelings of loss for Katie and I tell you all about how wonderful she was (and she was) and how much I miss her (which I really do). All of this is true, and to a certain extent it is even more painful as the years have gone by. I think of the times I would have had, if she had lived. I think of what she would be like as a grown woman. Yes, the feelings inside of me can overwhelm at times.
As I put together this montage of her pictures I noted with great sadness that there are no more new pictures of Katie. And Amanda and I have grown and changed over the last 22 years. Life has gone on for us, but sadly, not for her.
The music in this montage is sort of interesting. You see one day I drove to pick Katie up at kindergarten and when she saw the car she started jumping up and down waving at me. I can still see that when I hear this song. The lyrics, which many people have never heard, can be found in the extended entry.
I chose to live in the present now. I allow myself two days a year (the anniversary of the accident and Katie’s birthday) to remember, to grieve and to wallow a bit, but it is hard.
She had the most beautiful red curls and dancing green eyes and a little voice that made one think of Leprechauns. She wasn’t perfect, but she was special and sweet and she was my daughter.
The accident forever changed me, and Amanda, but from the ashes of our previous lives, like a Phoenix, we have risen to make a good, happy life in the present.
But you just never forget that time, those events…
Kathleen Alynne