The Dackel Princess

Busy Work

Today I started the task of sifting. I’m going through all the “stuff” that Jack has accumulated in his time. Jack was a pack rat and often came home with more than he went with to the recycling center! You know, one man’s junk is another man’s treasure?

As I go along, I am amazed at all Jack’s junk (totally trash!). My brother inlaw will be pleased. I’ve thrown out a lot of garbage already.

I was doing well, and it hit me…Jack’s not coming back. Now I know it was his time. I know he is in a better place. But darn it. I sure do miss him.

John Galsworthy wrote: “Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives.” In my case, this is true. I shared 35+ years with my husband. So many times, travels, laughter, joy, and challenges.

I thought I was prepared. I thought I was ready. On certain levels, I am. Maybe clearing this house filled with his junk will be a soothing balm for my soul.

The Friday Five ~ July 14th

The week has ended. One part of my life has ended, and now I must turn and place my foot forward and begin again. So, my Gentle Readers here is this week’s Friday Five.

1. Yesterday, I was taking care of the kitchen and family room, and then today was a run to the Vet to see about Heidi’s eyes. She is fine and just needs a little ointment for a few days.
2. I stopped to get the mail, and then we came home. I thought we might go out for dinner, but a very kind friend brought me Chinese Food!
3. Everything came to a head today. I need to start signing up for Social Security and Medicare A & B and find out how to retain my Delta Eyecare and Dental. I felt myself calling out to Jack. You rat, you left me to deal with all of this!
4. Beautiful flowers arrived while I was napping.Cream and Yellow Roses. My favorite! I felt so loved.
5. Finally, this weekend brings me peace and quiet. I plan several days of light music, lots of naps, and a lot of solitude!

The Debate Lingers On…

Tuesday, I said goodbye to my husband and best friend of thirty-five years. I cannot tell you the number of times we argued about cremation vs dressed and sleeping in a pretty casket. We will just say it was quite numerous.

Jack wanted a pretty casket and a good make-up job. Really, I never understood this. But I understood on Tuesday morning when I went to the Funeral Home to say goodbye to Jack.

The old saying “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming — WOW– What a Ride!” was flooding my mind. Jack had certainly led one crazy life. Could he look used up as he was laid to rest?

I was led in alone. I walked forward, and there he was. My handsome husband looking a good twenty years younger!

I stood looking at his handsome face. All the love I’ve had for him made me smile. I whispered to him, “Darn Jack, you are looking really good!”

So the debate has begun again. Only I am arguing with myself. Stay tuned!

Goodbye Jack

John L. McEwan

This link will bring you to the official Obituary for Jack. I tried to remember all of the things he told me so long ago as we drove from New Hampshire to St. Louis for an Army Reunion.

Rest easy, my sweetheart. Until we meet again.

Last Moments

People think that the last lucid moments in life will somehow be prophetic. Maybe some are. But that last time Jack and I were just happily living out life was lovely for me.

I made the coffee, and upon handing him a fresh cup, he exclaimed that it was really good that morning. He said he felt good. Good and hungry. He wanted a McDonalds Big Breakfast.

After exacting a promise from him that he would not get out of his chair while I drove the three minutes to Mcdonald’s and back, I, still in my pajamas, went off to pick up my drive-through breakfasts.

I arrived back home and fixed his tray table with his food. He was quite happy and started to put the strawberry jam on his biscuit.

As I ate my breakfast, Jack sort of slumped to the left. I thought Lili and Heidi might be getting spoiled, and I asked Jack if he was feeding them. There was no answer.

It was at that moment that I realized that Jack had gone. Thirty-five years of marriage and 85 years in his life.

He lingered from that day, July 3rd, until July 6th. He never woke up. He never opened those beautiful blue eyes. The machines made noises, but I knew he was gone.

Ah. The last 35+ years have gone by so fast. I look over, and I see your empty chair. It’s only been a few days, and it seems so long since we had our lazy morning coffee chats. Rest well, Jack.

Jack

We spent the day with Jack yesterday. The days feel long, and you keep hoping that Jack will open his eyes, start laughing and sit up to tell you it was all a joke.

But it isn’t a joke, and he hasn’t shown any improvement. I was sitting there yesterday looking at him. In all our years together, he has never been this quiet. Jack used to tease me about being a chatterbox, but we made a good team!

Jack isn’t getting better. The doctor told me that my Jack is gone. If he wakes he would need years in a recovery hospital and even then he would most likely never be my Jack again.

I am praying that God will reach down and bring Jack home.

And So It Goes ~Jack

Jack is seriously ill. On Monday the 3rd, Jack slumped over in his seat. He’s been passing out for a few weeks. Usually, he woke up quickly, but I could not revive him this time, so I called 911. They rushed here, and he was almost gone. He had a massive heart attack in our driveway in the ambulance. Then he coded twice more on his way to the hospital. They put him on a Vent and sent him to Concord Hospital, where they discovered a rather large Pulmonary Embolism. They operated, but now we are waiting to see if he has good brain function.
I’m exhausted, but doing what I can. I sit in Jack’s ICU room and just talk about all the good times.
I got the paperwork from the safe and presented it. At this point, if he codes again, they need to let him go. It’s what he wanted.

You think you are ready, but when this type of illness happens, you find out that you aren’t ready.

New Things

I’ve been trying to unwind during this time of Jack’s ill health. I have found walking Lili and Heidi and watching them play brings down my blood pressure and puts me in a much better place.

During the worst part of Jack’s health problems in the last two weeks, I watched the dogs to see how they managed it.

Lili did her sniff tests of the Police and EMS, and once they passed that, she watched as they took care of her Daddy but seemed comforted that he was getting help. Lili is so gentle and loving. And she sure is Daddy’s girl.

I wasn’t sure what Heidi would do, as this was the first time she had come in contact with the Police and EMS. She did great. She met them at the door with her tail sticking straight up. Oh, I love watching her when she trots along completely on duty!

I must say, both dogs were completely protective of Jack when he passed out. They knew things were not correct, and they went to his aid.

After all the craziness, I tried to calm down and sleep or nap. Lili guarded the house, and Heidi crawled into my lap and guarded me. Animals know so much more than we give them credit for.

The Friday Five ~June 30th

It’s begun. I suppose I knew all along that it would, but is anyone really prepared? Oh well, here we go, this week’s Friday Five.

When I married Jack, he was 49, and I was 29. He was full of life and planned so much for us to do together.
We ran 10k road races, we sailed the ocean blue, we climbed Mount Washington, and we traveled and saw so much of England, Scotland, Germany, Italy, and France, and all seemed right in our world. Newlyweds. We laughed, we smiled, and life was very good.
Jack flew out the remaining years of his career as a pilot, first with Pan Am and the last with Delta. We traveled everywhere and saw so much.
When Jack retired, we moved back to New Hampshire. We built a lovely home which we have lived in since 1999.
The slowdown came faster than I thought. He became an expert napper, and, little by little, he just stopped doing things. In the last 12 years, he occasionally fainted. Recently it has been a true passing out. The recovery comes much slower, and there are times it takes a while for him to be fully awake. He has had 3 of these in the last nine days. He is not eating or drinking much. And as much as the doctors want him to be in the hospital, he refuses to go.

+ So here we are. Getting close to the end. I never thought it would go by this fast.

The Friday Five ~ Plus One ~ June 23rd

The last two weeks have been rather crazy for me I will try to put down the top 5, but really there could be a dozen more happenings here. I will try to keep it down but this may become a Friday Five plus…

My mammogram showed a 6 mm mass that was not there a year ago, or two years ago…I had further testing, and the doctors seem to think I can be followed up in six months, but I am very uncomfortable with this. My Mom had breast cancer, and well I am always convinced that I have one foot in the grave. I’m going to talk to my Primary Care Doctor and get her opinion. It just doesn’t seem right.
I have a failing root-canaled crown. I’m going in August for dental surgery. Since I am a big chicken and a dental-phobe, I am really not looking forward to all this. But it must be done. Here comes the hit to my checkbook.
Lili had her teeth cleaned. They were also able to give her a full physical.Lili is truly, “Leaping Lili” which makes it hard to examine her. She is 75 healthy and happy pounds!
Jack wasn’t feeling too well this week and he gave me quite a scare. I’d gone out to walk the girls before bed and I came back in to find him passed out on the floor! He roused quickly, but he was deadweight for me to try to lift. I tried to use my head to figure out a way to lift him up and after a good 30-plus minutes I was able to get him in a chair and I got out his walker. I finally got him in his recliner, walked the dogs again and collapsed onto my recliner, and fell asleep.
My goal today is to do some grooming on Heidi. She looks a bit shaggy right now. I’ll take some before and after pictures. Hopefully, she will be cooperative.

Plus 1. I got my hair layered today. Back to curls. It’s a little shorter and easier to handle. Right now I feel overwhelmed with a lot of things. My hair was something I can take care of easily.

And have a wonderful weekend!